MMA AWARDS

December 6, 2005
by Jake Rossen

Television has the Emmys. Movies have the Oscars. Now MMA can lay claim to its own brand of self-congratulatory ceremony with the Sherdoggys, a soon-to-be highly coveted award that recognizes extraordinary achievement in the field of punching people in the face.

Winners in 10 categories were chosen based on effective striking, grappling, Octagon control, and who popped into my head at any given moment. 2005’s inaugural ceremony will be a text-only presentation. Winners are encouraged not to acknowledge the honor on their resume.

The envelopes, please.

Celebrity Endorsement of the Year Nominees:

Kevin James The well-fed star of King of Queens has been a friend to the sport for years, casting Bas Rutten in several television roles. Now he’s sporting Rutten and Triggonomics t-shirts on his CBS sitcom. Would it kill Jerry Stiller to rock a UFC beanie?

Joe Rogan Pound for vein-throbbing pound, no celebrity does more for spreading MMA‘s goodwill. He’s even willing to pop a capillary in Wesley Snipes, putting at least 30 percent of BET‘s 2007 schedule at risk.

The Dude From That ‘70s Show Fez? Pez? The guy is a UFC crowd staple. And who knew he really talked like that?

50 Cent The Gangsta rapper graciously hosted wraparounds to Spike’s Ultimate Fighter 2 marathon. I say “graciously” because we still didn’t see his movie.

Sherdoggy Goes To: Roy Jones, Jr., who is said to “respect the hands” of slugger Forrest Griffin according to announcer Mike Goldberg. In other news: Mike Goldberg sits on a throne of lies.

Gratuitous Xyience Plug of the Year Nominees:

Rich Franklin Sincere middleweight champ Franklin made sure to down some delicious Xyience at the 40-minute mark of every TUF 2 installment. And he made sure every single hombre in the house had some, even if he had to use a funnel and a speculum. Coming up on the DVD’s deleted scenes: Mike Whitehead skips a shake and pays the price; how you can turn a discarded NOX-CG3 can into a flotation device.

Chuck Liddell The light heavyweight champ makes sure to cross his arms in an “X” after every victory. Subliminal advertising at its finest.

The Octagon The fabled UFC logo has been overtaken by a massive supplement can in the middle of the canvas. And here you thought bloodstains on your advertising would be a demerit.

Sherdoggy Goes To: This article. The irony runs deep.

Mainstream Incompetent of the Year Nominees:

Donny Deutsch The pseudo-intellectual host of CNBC’s Big Idea spent 30 minutes being corrected by Forrest Griffin and other UFC personalities, invited on a neurologist who cited Hulk Hogan as a source, and continued to lambaste the safety practices of the sport while plugging his next segment … on the death of a boxer.

Boston Herald A caged bird’s best friend. Ran several pieces demonizing MMA and club fighter Sean Gannon, never stopping to fact-check anything along the way.

Burger King Though not technically a commentary on MMA, thinking Coq Roq would appeal to the sport’s demographic is insult enough.

New York State Athletic Commission The dinosaurs who oversee the combat sports in the Empire State still refuse to acknowledge that MMA is still far safer than a Central Park stroll.

Sherdoggy Goes To: NBA beanpole Dirk Nowitzki, who affectionately referred to MMA as “crap” during a recent Sports Illustrated Q&A. Those Germans and their good judgment.

Non-Fighting Fighter Performance of the Year Nominees:

Mirko Filipovic in Ultimate Force Monosyllabic, expressionless “Cro Cop” rose to the challenge in portraying monosyllabic, expressionless covert ops agent Axon Rey.

Don Frye in Godzilla: Final Wars Sometimes, the Japanese get it so right that you could just cry.

Randy Couture in Today You Die Bulbous action hero Steven Segal scored a victory over the four-time UFC champion in his latest direct-to-compost flick.

Ken Shamrock in Scarecrow Gone Wild Frank Stallone, the bell tolls for thee.

Sherdoggy Goes To: Shannon Ritch , for his tour de force portrayal of a pro fighter in any number of matches. Squint and you might think you’re seeing the real thing.

Quote of the Year Nominees:

“And tell ‘em the Iceman sent ya!” Before Xyience dug a little deeper into their budget for commercials featuring Chuck Liddell and Forrest Griffin hustling a heavy bag through the desert, they unloaded this gem. Liddell stands in front of a camera and advises you to drop his name at your local nutrition center. Call me crazy, but “The Iceman sent me!” hints less at creatine consumption and more at someone about to knife you in the sternum.

“Let’s run this shit!” Venerable Internet icon Kimbo Slice comes complete with his own catchphrases. This is the least offensive one I could find.

“Dude, just say it. Matt thinks the crowd is chanting, ’Homo!’” Joe Rogan spares no love for fill-in broadcaster Matt Vasgersian, throwing him under the proverbial bus by airing Vasgersian’s written interpretation of hostile jeers during the Gonzaga-Jordan snooze fest.

“I gotta beat this hillbilly.” Stephan Bonnar doesn’t mince words when discussing his strategy for facing Southern yokel Forrest Griffin and winning the Ultimate Fighter contract.

"Wanderlei, shut the #%$@* up!" Kazuhiro Nakamura doesn’t appear to be intimidated by Silva’s win streak or his foreboding appearance. In retrospect, he should have been.

Sherdoggy Goes To: Nakamura, for being the only guy to utter that sentence since Silva got that tattoo on the back of his head.